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A Family Guy Mis-ED-Venture Ch 4

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A Very Freakin Family Guy Mis-Ed-Venture

Ch. 4 “My Lover, My Edd”

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Rolf violently kicked open the door to his shed.

“Victor! Why do you fill the shed with your cries of despair?”

He flicked the light on and gasped at the site of all of his animals cringing in the corner of the shed atop one another.

“What is this?” He looked over...and saw an Evil Monkey pointing viciously at his livestock. “Great Nano's ghost!”

The Monkey then turned his anger on Rolf and pointed at him, baring his pointy teeth.

Suddenly, the Monkey's ferocious expression vanished and turned into one of fear as Rolf took a swing at him with a pitchfork. The Evil Monkey let out a shriek as Rolf swung again and successfully whacked it across the face.

“YOU DARE TAUNT ROLF'S DOMESTIC LIVESTOCK, VOO-DOO PRIMATE?!” He swung again. “YOU WILL PAY FOR UPSETTING THE STOCK OF A SHEPHERD!”

The Evil Monkey screamed again and bolted out of the shed. He ran blindly into the road...and was run-over by a car.

“Holy crap!” Quagmire shouted, nearly losing control of the vehicle. “Anyone else see that badger?!”

Cleveland and Joe sat rigidly in the back seat.

“I haven't run over anything that scary lookin' since I accidentally drove the lawn mower over Loretta’s mother.”

“Cleveland, isn't it awkward that you still recollect how much you hated your ex-wife's mother?” Joe inquired blandly.

“Yeah, it is...I just wanna be included in this story.”

“Dammit, I can't figure out which house Peter's staying in!” Quagmire snapped. “There's no numbers on any of these houses! Man, I haven't been this lost since I went to that Justin Beiber concert.”
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[Cutaway]

Quagmire waves and shouts wildly at Justin Beiber, who is performing on stage. Quagmire is surrounded by a slew of young girls, who are also cheering.

Quagmire: “Oh my gosh, I love you, Justine! Marry me! Marry me!”

A girl ceases her cheers and gives Quagmire an odd look.

Girl: “Who are you cheering at?”

Quagmire [glares at girl]: “What the hell do you mean who? Justine Beiber, who the hell do you think? She's only the hottest chick in the world right now!”

Girl: “Justin Beiber is a guy, you idiot.”

Quagmire [eyes widen]: “Wh...what?”

Girl: “His name is JUSTIN Beiber, not JUSTINE. He's a guy.”

Quagmire [blank stare followed by laughter]: “Ha! Yeah right! Hey, lets pull one over on ol' Quagmire again!” [laughs awkwardly].

[Girl continues her blank stare.]

Quagmire [laugh fades, look of worry replaces his smile. Looks around at banners that say 'JUSTIN BEIBER'. Grabs his head and screams]: “NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


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Ed and Chris peeked out on the trailer park from the bushes.

“Which trailer do they live in?” Chris asked.

Ed shakily pointed to a blue one. “It is that one...the trailer of doom.” Ed dove back into the bushes, shaking.

Chris stepped out of the bushes and turned to Ed. “Aren't you coming?”

“Nooo...” Ed responded, staying hidden. “Kankers bad for Ed.”

Chris sighed. “Alright, you stay here and keep watch. I'll go.”

Ed burst out of the bushes and hugged Chris's head, shaking uncontrollably.

“Don't do it, Chris! They will torture you with their foul lips of death!”

“Ed...2 things. First, get your penis out of my ear.”

Ed's shaking ceased. “My what?” With that, Chris pushed him off.

“Second,” He continued. “I already told you, unlike you and your obviously latent homosexual friends, I actually like it when girls kiss me.”

“But...the Kankers...” Ed started, but was hushed when Chris raised his index finger.

“I have to talk to them, Ed. I need to make them move out. So you wait here and if anything goes wrong, you go back to the house and tell my parents, okay?”

With a pouty lip and enlarged puppy-dog eyes, Ed nodded slowly.

Chris looked back at the trailer and walked up to it. Ed retreated back into the bushes. Chris looked back at him, gave him a thumbs up, then returned his attention to the door of the trailer as it swung open. He cringed a little at the sight of the girls, but remained calm. He cleared his throat.

“Good afternoon, ladies. My name is Chris Griffin, and I just wanna say...”

“Well now! What is this we have here?!” The large red-head gleamed.

A blue-haired girl shoved herself in front of her sister. “Ooh, looks like Publisher's Clearing House is giving away more then giant checks!”

A blonde occupied the last empty space in the doorway. “Oh my! I'll take a giant stud over a giant check any day!” She ended with a snort.

Chris gave a nervous laugh. “Well, that's very kind, but I just wanted to tell you...”

“Enough talk!” Lee Kanker interrupted. “Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable big boy?”

With that, all 3 pairs of hands reached out and grabbed Chris by his shirt.

His calmness faded and was replaced by fear. “I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!” He cried before being yanked off his feet and disappearing into the trailer.

Ed exploded out of the bushes. “CHRIS!!” He hopped up and down in place for a moment, biting his nails. “Oh no, oh no! Chris is Kanker-napped!” He jumped into the air, arms flailing. “MRS. GRIFFIN!!!” He screamed before bolting towards the cul-de-sac.

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Meg sat on her bed, a bored expression written on her face as she watched Double D dash back and forth across the room, labeling every item he could. Meg gave an annoyed sigh.

“You know, Eddward, when you said you wanted to label my personal effects, I didn't think you meant it literally.”

“Well I certainly couldn't have meant anything else.” He responded as he printed out a label for the dresser. “Think of it, Meg. A plethora of personal items, when properly labeled, are much easier to keep track of. Life is so much simpler when one has easy access to one's belongings.”

Meg grinned and took off her shirt. “How's this for easy access, big guy?”

Double D stood momentarily frozen by the sheer sight. He then proceeded to draw his hands over his eyes and let out an ear-shattering shriek.

“GOOD LORD!!! WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?????”

Meg walked towards the fear-stricken Edd.

“You, once you get your little butt on the bed!”

Double D held his hands out in an attempt to stop her from coming closer.

OH MY GOODNESS!!! When you asked me if I was old enough, I certainly didn't think your intentions were to bed me!!! I'm not ready for intercourse!”

Meg growled and crossed her arms irritably.

“Well, when will you be ready? Because I'm ready, like...right now.”

Double D cringed and slunk back, his eyes still averted.

“I don't know! Maturity occurs late in my family. I might not be ready until after collage...”

Edd instantly found himself being shoved out of the room. Before he could blink, he was staring up at the outside of the house.

“Well that ended rather abruptly.”

“MRS. GRIFFIN!!!” The unmistakable oaf's voice rang out from behind.

“Ed?” Double D looked over his shoulder.

Ed threw himself against the front door, smashing Double D between himself and the door. He hit it with such force, the door ripped off the hinges and came crashing down inside the house. Lois and Peter were on the scene instantly.

“Oh my gosh, what the hell is wrong with you kids?!” Lois shouted angrily.

Ed pushed himself up, ignoring Double D's squished form beneath him.

“MRS. GRIFFIN!!!” Ed screamed in Lois' face.

“WHAT?!” Lois hollered back.

“Chris has been kidnapped by the Kankers!!!” Ed cried, shaking nervously.

Lois rolled her eyes. “Oh, for goodness sake...”

“Don't worry, Lois. I'll go get him.” Peter assured her. “Hey Ed, you wanna take me to this trailer park?”

The mere words frightened Ed to the core. He grabbed the door from underneath and yanked it on top of him (once again, crushing Double D).

“NO! Kankers bad for Ed!” He cowered under the door.

Suddenly, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe entered the house.

“Holy hell, did you guys see the plants around here?” Quagmire asked as he stepped over the broken door. “This place is one hell of an LSD trip.”

“I was surprised by that Muslim kid with the blue hair who harpooned the rent-a-car with a pitchfork.” Cleveland regaled.

“I gotta say, not as surprising as that black kid who was yelling at that piece of wood.” Joe shrugged. “These kids here are weird.”

“Tell me about it.” Peter groaned, eying Ed under the broken door. “C'mon, kid, I need you to take me to Chris.”

“What happened to Chris?” Quagmire asked.

“Eh, he's been kidnapped by some trailer trash bimbos.”

Quagmire's eyes widened.

“Sounds like this is a job for me! All-right!”

Peter smiled and knelt down near Ed.

“There, ya see that, Ed? Quagmire'll be with us. Those Kanker broads are no match for my buddy!”

Ed cautiously peeked out from under the door.

“Really?”

“You're talkin' to a professional, kid! I've personally scarred and demeaned more women than Seth MacFarlane when he hosted the Oscars! OH!” Quagmire bragged with a bird-like head bob.

“See, Ed? You're safe with us! Whaddaya say?” Peter pressed.

Ed remained stone faced and silent for about 4 seconds before he exploded out from under the door with a goofy laugh. The force threw the door back into its place. Ed stood proud and pointed towards the dilapidated door.

“We will go save Chris from the hideous claws of the Kanker-beasts!!” He shouted excitedly.

“Hey, kid...you, uh...you got a little something hanging off your back there...” Joe pointed out as he squinted to see the red crinkled thing on Ed's back.

Ed laughed and reached around, grabbed the red crinkled thing and ripped it off his back. He flapped it a few times, and held out a now very disheveled and bruised Double D.

“Double D, there you are! I have been worried sick, you little scamp!” He set Edd down and patted him on the head.

“Thank you, Ed.” Double D murmured before falling down.

With a dumb grin, Ed followed Quagmire and Peter outside and towards the trailer park. Joe put on his hat and rolled towards the door.

“I'm gonna go secure the perimeter.” He barked.

“And I'll get these groceries into the fridge before they spoil.” Cleveland  said as he headed towards the kitchen.

“I'll help you, Cleveland.” Lois offered as she grabbed one of the bags. “Double D, make yourself at home.”

“You're too kind, Mrs. Griffin.” Double D mumbled, still face-down on the floor.

“Double D?” Cleveland laughed. “Oh, you've gotta be pulling my leg, Lois.”

“I swear, that's the kid's name!” Lois laughed with him.

Double D frowned as their laughs phased into distant whispers upon leaving the room.

“Note to self: make effort to change name.” Edd growled to himself as he shakily got to his feet.

He leaned against the wall for a minute to recompose himself. Before he was fully recovered, Meg came trotting down the stairs. She stopped upon noticing him, and the two stared briefly before Meg grunted in distaste and strode past him and into the kitchen. Double D released his breath.

“Curse my procrastinating pituitary gland.” He sighed.

“Well, now. What have we got here?” A small devilish voice came from ahead.

Double D picked up his head to see Stewie leaning against the doorway eating an apple. Edd scowled.

“Oh it's you.”

“That's right.” Stewie discarded the apple and walked towards Edd. “And I'm here to tell you that Meg wants your manhood.”

“You do realize that I've completely written you off as a mere figment of my imagination, don't you?” Double D answered wearily.

Stewie sneered vindictively. “Very well, have it your way, Double-Dumbass.” He snapped before turning away. “And to think your profile said YOU were the smart one.”

Double D lifted his head suddenly. “Profiles? What profiles?”

Stewie turned and smiled. “The profiles on every kid in the cul-de-sac, of course.” He gave one final glare. “Kiss your precious neighborhood good-bye.” With that, the baby was gone.

Double D stood there, shocked, rubbing his chin. “Kiss the neighborhood good-bye?”

A gasp from behind caused Double D to turn. It was Meg. As soon as he saw the look on her face, Double D raised a suspicious brow. Meg made a run for the stairwell. Edd grabbed her arm.

“Hold it right there, Missy!”

But Meg was stronger than he anticipated, and up the stairs he went as she galloped to her room. At the top of the stairs, Double D caught his foot in the banister. Upon feeling the pressure of his grip tighten, Meg pulled harder, struggling to get to the open door. Eventually, the pulling paid off, and Double D's foot was pulled free. The rubberband-like force caused the two of them to go flying into the room, the door closing behind them. Double D landed on top of Meg. With torn clothes and a black-eye, Double D pushed himself up and glared down at Meg.

“Alright! Now what's all this about profiles on everyone in the cul-de-sac? And what did that baby mean when he said to kiss the neighborhood good-bye?”

“I can't tell you, Eddward.” Meg turned her face away dramatically.

“But you must! If something is going on here, I have the right to know!”

“Well...” Meg started with a sly grin. “I can tell you everything you want to know...under one condition...”

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Stewie scurried into the living area and crawled up on the couch.

“Know-nothing nerd acting all high and mighty. Who the hell does he think he is? Honestly, have you ever seen anyone so conceited, Rupert?”

Stewie awaited a response to his rant, but received none.

“Rupert?” He jumped off the couch and began looking through all the bags. “Rupert? Where are you?!”

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Eddy moped as he limped down the sidewalk in front of Brian.

“I can't believe Sarah wouldn't cough up quarters to hear a talking dog.” He groaned.

Brian snickered. “I can't believe you got your ass handed to you by a 7 year old girl. Does that happen a lot around here?”

Eddy turned and pressed his finger hard against Brian's nose.

“Hey, watch it! I don't need lip from a canine!”

Brian remained calm. Once Eddy withdrew his finger, Brian lit a cigarette and blew the smoke in Eddy's face.

“Eddy, let me ask you something.” He took another drag. “You ever been wrestled to the ground by a really pissed-off dog only to have it hump you in the ear so hard, you'll be blowing puppies out of your nose for the rest of your life?”

Eddy remained silent, envisioning the act, then shuddering in disgust.

BLECH!! Heck no!”

“Then shut up and find me some more kids.” Brian put the cigarette out and continued up the lane.

“Umm...sure, pal! Anything you say!” Eddy followed obediently. “Say, not that it's any of my business, but...why did you convince Kevin and Nazz to move away? I mean, Kevin I can understand, but why Nazz?”

“It's on a need-to-know basis.” Brian answered coldly.

Eddy remained blissfully oblivious. “Gotcha. Classified information. Now, for more kids...let's try the park.”

“Fine.” Brian answered abruptly.

The two of them headed for the park. Along the way, Brian couldn't help but take notice of a piece of wood lying in the road. He stopped, letting Eddy walked ahead, and stared down on the board. It had a crayon-drawn face, and was chipped at the top. But there was something about it. Something mysterious. Something alive. Brian looked around, but saw no one. He looked back down at the board. As if compelled by an inner voice, Brian bent down and picked up the board. He looked hard at its face.

“Hey, dog!” Eddy called from the park. “No potty-breaks! If you're gonna lift a leg, do it on the paying customers!”

Brian looked down on the board's face for a few more moments. He then joined Eddy in the park...with the Plank of wood tucked under his arm.
The long awaited Chapter 4 of my Family Guy/Ed Edd n Eddy fanfic.
© 2013 - 2024 MWRoach
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M-102's avatar
Bout time we see more and this is amazing.